Being a NICU mom

I have a whole new respect for NICU moms now that I am one. I know I can't even know much of their heartache, because my baby is extremely healthy and just needs time to gain weight and take bottles, but I'm sure we share some of the same emotional struggles.

I began this journey with the attitude that it would actually be a good thing that Nora wasn't home yet. After being so sick and having surgery, it would be nice to be able to heal at home for awhile before having to take care of a baby. But, as the days go by and I feel better physically, it's harder for me to not have her here.

There are annoying practical things about visiting your baby in the NICU that make the experience even harder. For example, you have to wash your hands for 3 minutes before ever laying eyes on your child (obviously, this is for good reason, though most moms don't have to follow this precaution). Also, you can only hold your baby during a "hands-on" time, which happens at 8 distinct times during the day (and the nurses may start the hands-on time early, meaning you could come to the NICU, wash for 3 minutes and then miss out on getting to hold your baby). Understandably, the babies need to rest between hands-on times so they can adequately develop, but it's frustrating to be told when you're "allowed" to spend time with your child.

Then, there are the haunting thoughts that run through your mind sometimes and tear your heart to shreds. 99% of the time I'm able to push these thoughts away and avoid them, but there is the 1% when my still-hormonal self is overcome by these thoughts that lead me into a crying misery.

"What if my baby cries and there's no one there to comfort her?"

"Does she ever get lonely?"

"Does she know I'm her mom?"

"I want to be the mommy and know what's best for my baby but, instead, I have nurses telling me what works for her."

The doctors are talking like Nora might be able to come home next week. I realize that, when measured against the vastness of her life (Lord-willing), Nora's two-week stay in the NICU will seem like a blip. But, nevertheless, these are a hard two weeks. I'm trying to stay strong, and I'm comforted by the fact that this will all be over soon and she'll be home with us.