You’ve been through a lot lately, and you know there’s a lot more to come.
All of the old symptoms refused go away this cycle, and new ones kept popping up all the time. It felt like you spent the entire day just trying to keep the train of little pills that rolls down your throat from coming off the rails. And then you went to the “Better Room” for more chemo infusions and you thought about how all the little chemo drops on all the IV poles in that place added up to a carefully measured and fastidiously administered poison rain. Or was it a life-giving rain?
Self, it’s very important that you think of that rain as life-giving and not poisonous. I wish I could tell you that all of this shittiness is happening for a reason, that it all serves some greater purpose, but I don’t honestly know yet if that’s true or not. You may never know the purpose behind it all. But whatever the case, it will be a lot better for you if you believe that the rain is life-giving.
Because here’s the thing: this is your one life, not a dress rehearsal for it. There is no practice for something else. Right now is all that you have. Yesterday and tomorrow are fictions that only distract you from reality, which is now. “But life and death is only a fiction, and not very deep. Why do you cry?” That you are here, right now, is the ultimate fact.
You must learn not only to embrace that fact, but you must follow where it leads and learn to live in that Now. This will be difficult at first, especially when Now isn’t a place you want to be. But when it is difficult or when you fail (both of which will happen often), you must not despair. You must be kind to yourself and live simply, with awareness. Always remember that your life, and especially your healing, are not a straight line, so you must not be surprised when you experience setbacks and bad days. And during those bad days when the whole world grows cold and hope flickers only dimly, you must tell yourself that this will not always be the case, nor has it always been so. Remind yourself that better times have always come, and try to believe that they will come again.
And there’s one last important thing: if you’re going to learn to live in the Now, to move into the New Country, you must not allow yourself to fear your pain. I don’t say that you should dwell on it or hold on to your pain just on principle, but you must be able to simply sit with it, to hold it up on your fingertips like a costly diamond and turn it, watching the light show off every radiant color in the palette in its facets. Because that’s what your pain is, a diamond of great price. If you let it, it will teach you lessons that can be learned no other way. So don’t fear it- just let your pain be there alongside you for as long as it needs. This is the road that leads to the New Country, and you will be better for having travelled it.
So, Self, good luck! Be on your way. Be of good heart and be brave, because this journey will require all the courage you knew you had and some you didn’t. And on your travels, I genuinely hope that “the Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace” because, like I said, this is your one life, and you should really make it count.
With great affection,
Self
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